19 Weeks

Now that I'm solidly in my second trimester, things are finally starting to feel real. My biggest fear with having a second child was not how hard it would be to take care of two kids, but taking care of just one while experiencing the same morning sickness I had when I was pregnant with the bean. I was terrified of it, but mercifully it was not as bad. I definitely did feel sick and worn out, but I was able to work through it and the bean and I made it through. I kept obsessively checking my journal from when I was pregnant with the bean to see when the morning sickness got better. It was 16 weeks with the bean and a little bit earlier this time-probably 14 weeks.  Thank goodness we are through that part and I'm feeling better and getting my energy back.  There were a rough couple weeks in there were we were in pure survival mode, I imagine we'll be familiar with that mode again in a few short months!

Now I'm in that middle part of pregnancy where you sometimes forget that you're pregnant until you catch yourself in the mirror. Well, also this time around I've been accidentally overdoing it and being reminded that I'm pregnant by my body which has insisted I take it easy.  When I was pregnant with the bean, I was working on my feet all day so I worried that I wouldn't be getting as much exercise this time.  Of course, I completely underestimated how physical taking care of a toddler is.

Now that I'm able to feel this peanut moving around, it's starting to become more real. Honestly, it's been pretty difficult to imagine having a second child who is different from our first. I know that sounds strange, but I guess the only experience I have to base having a child on is the bean, so that's what I think of when I think of having another baby. I have to keep reminding myself that this child will have his or her own personality and likes and dislikes. It's amazing, but pretty hard to picture at this point.

Because there were some concerns during my pregnancy with the bean, we had several ultrasounds throughout the pregnancy and were able to find out that she was a she at 16 weeks. This time, things look fine and we hopefully won't need those ultrasounds, so it's been a long time since we had a peek at this peanut. In just a couple days, we'll have our level II ultrasounds and get to check this little one out and check that everything looks OK.  (We'll also find out the gender).

We've been taking belly pictures every week or so and I've been comparing them to the pictures from when I was pregnant with the bean. I know my belly is supposed to pop out sooner, but everything looks pretty similar up to this point. I've been waiting to post pictures here until there was something to show you!

Here I am this time around at 6 weeks

 

And 18 weeks

And this is 19 weeks with the bean, pretty similar, right?

Bean update

Now that our bean is on the verge of turning three, I'm finding parenting to be much more challenging.  Of course, this is the "terrible twos" cliche, and I think for me its mostly about trying to adjust to this ever changing little girl.  I know the first year of parenting, things change rapidly and it was tough, but we were able to adjust to give her what she needed, even as it was constantly changing.  Then, things settled down a bit and the changes started coming a bit further apart, and I think I've just stopped expecting them.

Or perhaps I'm just expecting too much out of our bean.  Somedays she puts on her own shoes, cleans up her own toys and patiently stands still while I brush her teeth.  Other days, there's chaos and things being thrown at me and straight up refusal to do things that I know she's capable of and I'm just . . . confused.  Knowing that there are lines that need to be drawn but wondering where to draw them and wondering how much consistency there should be.  Yesterday, it was perfectly acceptable for me to cut her waffle for her, but today doing so results in screaming and crying.  Its hard to keep up.  As always, we are trying to make our way and figure this all out together.  Its a rollercoaster for sure.  Three years old is going to be exciting and maybe a bit scary, but hopefully it'll be really fun too.

At this age, the bean still loves music and dancing.  Its interesting to me that this has seemed to be a constant throughout her short life so far--she's always been calmed my music and singing and started singing and dancing around herself as soon as she was able to.  She now attends a weekly music class that she loves and enjoys having impromptu dancing sessions in our living room.  She's also started making up her own songs about things that are happening around her.  Who knows if this will continue to be an interest of hers, but its so fun to watch it develop and to encourage it for now!

The bean is starting to learn the days of the week and I've taught her that Saturday means "no work, no school and Mommy stays home all day!' which is so exciting for her.  My work days are typically at the end of the week, so Saturday is truly a day off for all of us and she gets so excited for the boy to be home, because that always means playing all day (sadly, there are a lot more chores to be done on the days that I stay home with her).

A few months ago we finally gave in and got the bean her first haircut.  We were resisting the upkeep that comes with bangs, but finally decided that something needed to be done to keep all that hair out of her face and we now wish we had done it sooner.  I love the bangs!  (In these pictures, I see she's due for another trim--all that upkeep!)

This update is so very random, but I'm trying to quickly get all these things down while I have a minute to blog.  Let's see . . . the bean is very excited about becoming a big sister.  I'm almost wishing we had waiting a bit longer to tell her because its so hard for her to wait.  We talk all the time about how she's going to help change the baby's diapers and hold it and feed it.  She's even told me that I'll get a turn holding the baby too--how lucky am I?

Oh baby

I have been away from this space for such a long time. Its not that I haven't had much to say--I have so many things I've wanted to talk to you about, but what's been on my mind has been too painful to get out and that's babies. Specifically one more baby. For us.

It has never been our intention for the bean to be an only child. Well, OK, there was that period of time immediately after the bean's birth when I turned to the boy and said that I was never going to do that again! But that faded. After a few months I started to think that maybe I could go through it all again. We had hoped for two children, two years apart, so we started trying again when the bean was 18 months old. Even then, I'm not sure either of us were quite ready, but we knew we'd have 9 months to get used to the idea.

I got pregnant easily with the bean and I think we were both hoping that would be the case the second time. We were very superstitious about doing things the way we had with the bean--we inseminated at home, with no assistance from our doctor. This was the way we wanted it--just the two of us doing this thing together (and occasionally the bean waking up at inopportune moments). We soon learned that was not to be. I didn't get pregnant. Over and over again, it didn't work. I was still nursing the bean, so we started the long process of weaning. I still didn't get pregnant.

Our supply of samples from our donor started dwindling and we asked for help. I tried to hold on to my idea of getting pregnant on an unmedicated cycle, but we soon decided that we would throw all the medical interventions we could at this problem. Triggered ovulation, timed inseminations, Clomid. Nothing. We were down to our last try before we would have to make the impossible decision of whether we would spend all our savings on an IVF cycle with no guarantee of a baby or spend all our savings on an adoption with no guarantee of a baby, or just give up. In my mind, I had already given up. Even before the bean was born, I spoke to myself and to the boy about our children. They. There had always been two. I started talking myself into the idea of the bean being an only child and looking for the positives in that.

Our last cycle, we decided to try injectable drugs, which significantly increase the risk of multiples. We love multiples and if we had them, we would love the heck out of them, but we are also aware of the increased risks associated with a multiple birth. (Including the risk of losing your mind trying to take care of more than one newborn!) I had resisted injectables for that reason, but here we were, at the end of the road. So there I was, dutifully injecting my belly, sometimes multiple times a day, until I could no longer find a spot to inject in that wasn't bruised. I went to the doctor every couple days and had more blood drawn than I can keep track of. All the while, I had no hope.

I don't think I ever mentioned this here, but when it became clear that the bean wasn't interested in weaning at 18 month, I decided I would nurse through pregnancy. I had gotten comfortable with this idea to the point of being disappointed when I ended up weaning. I always felt that I would regret weaning before the bean was ready, especially if it ended up that I couldn't get pregnant again. I felt this regret so deeply, and believed so fully that I wouldn't get pregnant, that I decided to start nursing again even before we found out the results of our injectables cycle. I was actually shocked that we were able to get back to nursing after having been weaned for several months, but I was also very pleased.

Now, forgive me, but I have to tell this part of the story in even more excrutiating detail because I love it so much. I woke up 11 days after insemination and took a pregnancy test, which was negative. This was our 7th attempt in over a year and even more than the others, this negative devastated me. Fate has spoken, only one child for you. (Which is a huge blessing! We are so lucky to have even one! But we really wanted two.) I was taking medication that should be stopped if I wasn't pregnant, but continued if I was. I waited a couple days, until the day my period was due and took another test, fully expecting it to be negative, but I needed to confirm before I stopped the medication.

The boy and I were both in the bathroom getting ready and I set the test down on the counter while it developed. The boy glanced over at it and said, "Hey, what's that?" For some reason, I thought it was a joke and I was upset. How can you joke about this when my feelings are still so raw? I picked up the test and squinted at it and saw a shadow. A little faint ray of hope that darkened before my eyes into a reality that we had hoped for for so long.

Because I had started the process of convincing myself this would never happen, I've spent the last several months trying to convince myself that it is happening. Test after test, ultrasound after ultrasound. Are you really in there peanut?

And, oh the irony, that I weaned our bean in order to get pregnant but didn't get pregnant until after I relactated and started nursing again!

Sorting

A week or so ago, the bean was enjoying some halloween candy and lamented the fact that there was only one blue M&M in the package she was eating. Blue seems to be her favorite color now that she has learned to name colors (she was partial to green before then-I guess she liked the way the word sounded). Anyway, the boy explained to her that there's a store in the city where you can buy a bag of only blue M&Ms (or any other color, for that matter). She was interested, but didn't mention it again. We figured we'd take her after the sugar overload of the holidays was over.

The bean has been asking to go into the city to her Mommy's work, so the boy woke her up this morning and asked if she'd like to do that. Her response, of course, was to ask if she could also go to the M&M store. Because as much as we'd like to think otherwise, children just never forget a. single. thing.

So we went to the city and the bean got a bag of blue M&Ms. No pictures of that, unfortunately, but once we got home, to entertain her and also turn this into an educational lesson (since it certainly wasn't a nutritional one), I set her up sorting the colors from Mommy and Mama's bags.



A bag of multicolored M&Ms and a muffin tin was all it took to keep her entertained for an hour.



Sorting and mixing over and over again.



Why yes, I do let my 2 year old sit on the kitchen counter! Most days its the only way I can cook or do the dishes. Rest assured, I stay within arms reach and keep her away from the stove and knives. She's been sitting there long enough that she knows to stay away from the edge and to ask for help when she wants to get down.

Halloween

Clearly, I'm finding it difficult to keep up with blogging lately. Life with a toddler moves at a much faster pace than I had anticipated and, on the rare occasion that I do find time to sit down with the computer, there are always fingers coming at the keyboard, wanting to "help." And so, even though I didn't manage to find time to post this yesterday, I'm very excited to share with you our halloween projects (a day late).

Bats! From Country Living, via made


I covered some of our picture frames with cheesecloth and stuck little plastic spiders in them to make it a bit more spooky.


The cute leaf garland is an idea I got from pinterest. I just cut the shapes out of some extra felt I had on hand and sewed some yarn through them. The little ghost is cut from window film (template via Martha).


Finally, our mice that took over the stairs. (Template via Martha).


I also tried to make the bean's school lunches festive the last couple days.

Pumpkin sandwich (not the best carving job, but the bean was pleased)


Spider crackers and ghost banana (this came back with only the chocolate chip eyes and the cheese slices eaten--fail)


Mummy pizza


And finally, the bean in her costume




I hope you had a nice holiday!